Notices by Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social), page 4

Earlier this morning I attempted suicide by slitting my wrist. My attempt failed and I’m safe now. I’m sorry for all of the worry I caused.

I lost a good amount of blood so I’m a bit exhausted now, I may be more quiet for the time being.

Sorry for all of the depressing posts as of late, I've been going through a lot and wanted to put down my thoughts somewhere, maybe some people can relate to them.

One frustrating thing about autism is when your needs go counter to the needs of the people around you. And as a result you just have to either suffer alone or be an asshole.

Suffering alone is very hard.

It’s very easy for people to say: “just find something/someone else to fit that gap!”

But that’s not how the world works.

The only time that actually works if you intentionally let yourself get used by other people — and you have something worthwhile for people to use your for, whether that’s money or sex.

A lot of human relationships are sadly purely transactional. I don’t like those kinds of relations with other people.

It’s easy to see all of this as excuses on excuses. But, this is truly just the lot a lot of autistic people have in life.

We have to learn to accept that no matter how hard we try, we will end up hurting other people, seem selfish, stubborn and be a burden. Because even if the people around us don’t believe us, if we stop believing ourselves and working hard to do better despite the odds we will lose ourselves, and at that point we might as well not be alive.

Also a lot of people like to tout therapy as a golden bullet that can help you, but unless you’ve sheltered yourself from social interaction, there’s not much a therapist can do, even a good one. Because the underlying problem is unfixable and the only thing they could do is help you find less taxing masking methods and better coping mechanisms.

But in my case I’ve already had to optimise the ever living hell out of those to survive, and there’s not much more that can be done there.

Yapping out to someone who doesn’t really care about your problems is not going to make you feel better, at least not in this case.

That being said, there are autistic people out there who are completely uninterested in trying with severe main character syndrome.

But I think and hope that most autistic people deep down strive to be better people and to make the people around them happy, despite the insurmountable hurdle in doing so.

I at least want people to be happy, even if bringing such happiness hurts me in the process.

So, if you know someone with autism, know that they’re probably trying very very hard for your sake. It’s just very hard to see.

It would be nice to at least occasionally be recognised for how hard you’re trying. And your persistence to keep trying despite how much pain you’ve been through.

But a lot of people don’t see that, after all, essential social function just comes naturally to most people or is at least decently manageable.

It’s probably very difficult to imagine how someone with autism could be so internally different that the simple act of striking up a conversation could spend their entire energy budget for a day. It’s probably hard to imagine being so sensitive to taste and smell that it can completely jam your brain and make you feel like it’s on fire and start puking. It’s probably difficult to imagine being so limited by your own body that the act of changing plans even slightly can be the catalyst for someone screaming and crying and hurling themselves against objects.

But even then, that is my reality and people tend to expect that I alone should deal with it. Which makes me feel quite lonely.

@antijingoist it’s like that everywhere. A lot of us have just become jaded to the fact that the world is kind of horrible to live in for us and always will be.

This is why it’s slightly upsetting to me when people say that they believe I can change.

I can take measures to avoid burnout and meltdowns, but I can’t change the fundamental fact that my brain is wired in such a way that these things happen.

What people unknowingly end up telling me, is that they want me to bottle up more stress and anxiety and emotional pain for their comfort, and that I’m not trying to do that hard enough. And that hurts to hear considering how many years I’ve spent working on finding the balance of being “not autistic” enough for people’s comfort and not too “not autistic” for my mental health.

This is the more depressing side of living with autism. It’s a part of who I am and I wouldn’t want to “get cured”; as in that case I wouldn’t even be the same person anymore.

But saying autism isn’t a struggle at times is a lie.

And once you’ve burnt everything to the ground and the people you care about feel hurt and probably hate you?

You’re only left with regret and self hate for being a failure of a human being.

You can only pretend for so long before it breaks you, and when it does you show a side of yourself that is harmful to you and the people around you. And people can tell you for ages how messed up you’ve acted and how you need therapy without truly understanding the underlying problem and how it’s unavoidable once it first begins.

Most people would rather have a friend that doesn’t require high levels of maintenance. But autism is the other way around, I require large amounts of accommodation to not be at the risk of over exhaustion, burnout and meltdowns.

This is something I will have to struggle with for the rest of my life.

The thing with autism is that you learn to hide how much you’re struggling. Most people would not like the “real” me. As without bottling up the constant stress people unwillingly put me through I’d be insufferable.

And it’s very hard for people to really relate to that, because it’s so vague and hard to describe this struggle. Inside I’m a lot less functioning than on the outside and I am constantly pretending to be someone else for everyone’s comfort. That is in of itself very very exhausting and stressful.

But it’s neccesary because even though people don’t want to admit it, being around someone with autism is inconvenient.

I have avoided bankruptcy narrowly. That was the most stressful problem dealt with.

Still a million other things weighing on me, but at least the anxiety can die down a tiny bit for now.

@Nifflas yeah. As for me I’ve ended up isolating myself by hurting the people around me.

It feels very lonely

So I’m conflicted. Part of me wants to just die so I don’t have to be in constant fear and pain. But part of me does not want to, not to mention it would be the cowards way out.

So I’m just coping with video games and heaps of chocolate until I feel like puking

I’m not ok, and given my situation I don’t think I will be ok anytime soon.

My hopes and dreams are in shambles, my future uncertain and the gender dysphoria ever present.

I’ve made it through NLNet selection and Inochi2D is funded for a year.

Yet I’m not as excited about it as I should be, I’m still struggling and still will be for a long time to come. Main thing is that I now struggle alone, with difficult problems that keep piling up, in turn worsening my mental health.