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1. Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:03:29 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

   The thing with autism is that you learn to hide how much you’re struggling. Most people would not like the “real” me. As without bottling up the constant stress people unwillingly put me through I’d be insufferable.

   And it’s very hard for people to really relate to that, because it’s so vague and hard to describe this struggle. Inside I’m a lot less functioning than on the outside and I am constantly pretending to be someone else for everyone’s comfort. That is in of itself very very exhausting and stressful.

   But it’s neccesary because even though people don’t want to admit it, being around someone with autism is inconvenient.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:05:50 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     Most people would rather have a friend that doesn’t require high levels of maintenance. But autism is the other way around, I require large amounts of accommodation to not be at the risk of over exhaustion, burnout and meltdowns.

     This is something I will have to struggle with for the rest of my life.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:09:49 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     You can only pretend for so long before it breaks you, and when it does you show a side of yourself that is harmful to you and the people around you. And people can tell you for ages how messed up you’ve acted and how you need therapy without truly understanding the underlying problem and how it’s unavoidable once it first begins.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:11:18 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     And once you’ve burnt everything to the ground and the people you care about feel hurt and probably hate you?

     You’re only left with regret and self hate for being a failure of a human being.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:12:55 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     This is the more depressing side of living with autism. It’s a part of who I am and I wouldn’t want to “get cured”; as in that case I wouldn’t even be the same person anymore.

     But saying autism isn’t a struggle at times is a lie.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:21:21 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     This is why it’s slightly upsetting to me when people say that they believe I can change.

     I can take measures to avoid burnout and meltdowns, but I can’t change the fundamental fact that my brain is wired in such a way that these things happen.

     What people unknowingly end up telling me, is that they want me to bottle up more stress and anxiety and emotional pain for their comfort, and that I’m not trying to do that hard enough. And that hurts to hear considering how many years I’ve spent working on finding the balance of being “not autistic” enough for people’s comfort and not too “not autistic” for my mental health.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:33:12 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     It would be nice to at least occasionally be recognised for how hard you’re trying. And your persistence to keep trying despite how much pain you’ve been through.

     But a lot of people don’t see that, after all, essential social function just comes naturally to most people or is at least decently manageable.

     It’s probably very difficult to imagine how someone with autism could be so internally different that the simple act of striking up a conversation could spend their entire energy budget for a day. It’s probably hard to imagine being so sensitive to taste and smell that it can completely jam your brain and make you feel like it’s on fire and start puking. It’s probably difficult to imagine being so limited by your own body that the act of changing plans even slightly can be the catalyst for someone screaming and crying and hurling themselves against objects.

     But even then, that is my reality and people tend to expect that I alone should deal with it. Which makes me feel quite lonely.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:36:18 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     So, if you know someone with autism, know that they’re probably trying very very hard for your sake. It’s just very hard to see.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 20:57:20 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     That being said, there are autistic people out there who are completely uninterested in trying with severe main character syndrome.

     But I think and hope that most autistic people deep down strive to be better people and to make the people around them happy, despite the insurmountable hurdle in doing so.

     I at least want people to be happy, even if bringing such happiness hurts me in the process.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 21:14:46 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     Also a lot of people like to tout therapy as a golden bullet that can help you, but unless you’ve sheltered yourself from social interaction, there’s not much a therapist can do, even a good one. Because the underlying problem is unfixable and the only thing they could do is help you find less taxing masking methods and better coping mechanisms.

     But in my case I’ve already had to optimise the ever living hell out of those to survive, and there’s not much more that can be done there.

     Yapping out to someone who doesn’t really care about your problems is not going to make you feel better, at least not in this case.

   • Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live (lunafoxgirlvt@vt.social)'s status on Friday, 19-Apr-2024 21:24:57 JST Luna 🇩🇰🦊 //nullptr::live

     in reply to

     It’s easy to see all of this as excuses on excuses. But, this is truly just the lot a lot of autistic people have in life.

     We have to learn to accept that no matter how hard we try, we will end up hurting other people, seem selfish, stubborn and be a burden. Because even if the people around us don’t believe us, if we stop believing ourselves and working hard to do better despite the odds we will lose ourselves, and at that point we might as well not be alive.