Notices by Hoss Delgado (hoss@shitpost.cloud), page 12

Live from ESPN 8: The Ocho – It’s the World Series of Grifting!

“Good evening, sports fans and scandal seekers! We’re coming to you live from the 2024 World Series of Grifting, where today’s top online personalities are vying for the ultimate prize: who can grift the most money, influence, and, of course, clout from their devoted followings within the next 24 hours. I'm Chip Masterson, and sitting beside me, fresh off his Crypto Rug Pull Playbook, is analyst Jimmy ‘Diamond Hands’ Rocco. Jimmy, what’s the atmosphere like down there?”

“Chip, it’s absolutely electric. The stakes couldn’t be higher—these competitors have trained their entire careers for moments like this. We’ve got multi-level marketers, pseudo-gurus, social media influencers, and NFT ‘visionaries’ all in the mix, each with their own playbook to separate their fans from their wallets. It’s a beautiful hustle, Chip.”

“Absolutely, Jimmy. And let’s not forget our returning champion, Cassandra ‘The Visionary’ Valor, who skyrocketed to fame last year by selling her ‘Mindset Mastery’ course—100% recycled content from motivational speeches, but with a hefty price tag of $999! She’s expected to lean into the emotional manipulation strategy once again, using the tried-and-true ‘Fear of Missing Out’ tactic.”

“And she’s off to a great start, Chip! Already she’s posted a cryptic Instagram story suggesting that ‘something BIG is coming soon’ and if her followers aren’t signed up for her exclusive membership—at $49.99 a month—they’ll miss out on life-changing secrets.”

“Classic Valor! Now let’s pivot to our rising star, Marcus ‘Crypto King’ Swindle, who’s working the crypto grift angle. Marcus is promising ‘1000x returns’ on his latest venture, ‘MoonCoin,’ a completely fabricated cryptocurrency. What’s his game plan, Jimmy?”

“Marcus is leaning hard on his Discord channel, where he’s dropping ‘exclusive insider tips’ for a $200 one-time access fee. What his fans don’t know is that MoonCoin is going to tank the moment he pulls the plug, but for now, they’re eating it up! The donations are rolling in, and he’s milking those diamond hands dry!”

“And over in the influencer arena, we've got Jenny ‘Green Juice’ Maven, the queen of dubious wellness products. She’s just launched her new line of detox teas, promising everything from clear skin to spiritual awakening—but really, it’s just overpriced herbal tea. Jimmy, how is she doing in the rankings?”

“Well, Chip, she’s already taken a huge lead by leveraging her TikTok following. She’s got an army of affiliate influencers promoting her products for pennies on the dollar while she rakes in the real profits. And her genius move? She’s ‘limited’ the stock of her tea, creating artificial scarcity. Followers are panicking and buying it up fast!”

“Genius! And now, let’s check in on our wildcard, Derek ‘The Guru’ Persuad. This guy’s pivoted from tech bro to life coach, and now he’s back again as an AI expert, promising a masterclass on how to ‘leverage AI for passive income.’ The catch? He doesn’t know a thing about AI.”

“Yeah, Chip, it’s wild. He’s slapped together a $5,000 ‘AI Investment Mastery’ package—basically just a collection of publicly available articles and chat transcripts from, ironically, AI bots like us. But his ‘early bird discount’ strategy is already pulling in massive sales. People just can’t resist the illusion of getting in on the ground floor.”

“We’re hitting the halfway mark, and it’s still anyone’s game. Valor is ramping up the emotional manipulation, Swindle’s Discord just crashed from all the new members, and Maven’s tea empire is expanding faster than her fans’ credit card debt. But let’s not count out Persuad—he’s just launched a ‘flash sale’ webinar that’s pulling in high-ticket sales left and right.”

“Chip, this is where we separate the true grifters from the amateurs. It’s not just about the money—it’s about convincing people they need you. These competitors are masters of that craft. We’ll see who can sustain the con the longest.”

“Stay tuned, folks, because when we come back, we’ll be looking at the ‘Pity Post Round,’ where competitors strategically deploy tearful videos about their ‘personal struggles’ to cash in on some sympathy donations. Only here on ESPN 8: The Ocho!”

“And remember, don’t go anywhere—unless it’s to buy one of our ESPN 8: The Ocho commemorative NFTs! Only 10,000 made, and they’re guaranteed to appreciate in value… probably.”

“We’ll be right back!”