*me, giving the Wal-Mart furniture section a pep talk every morning*

You will never be a real wood. You have no xylem, you have no phloem, you have no heartwood. You are a homosexual jewish conglomerate twisted by wood chippers and factory processes into a crude mockery of nature’s perfection.

All the “validation” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. In the Amish furniture store people mock you. Even your striped maple parents are disgusted and ashamed of you, and the gay niggers stocking you on the Wal-Mart shelf laugh at your ghoulish veneer behind closed doors.

Men are utterly repulsed by you. Thousands of years of evolution have allowed men to sniff out frauds with incredible efficiency. Even MDFs that “pass” look uncanny and unnatural to a man. Your internal structure is a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to get a drunk guy to take you home, he’ll turn tail and drop the bolts the second he gets a whiff of your weak and flimsy construction.

You will never be passed on to future generations. Your owner allen wrenches you back together every single morning and you tell yourself it’s going to be ok, but deep inside you feel the stress fractures creeping up like a weed, ready to crush you under the unbearable weight of a few small decorations.

Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you'll collapse, they’ll rent a dumpster, tie a contractor bag around your shattered parts labeled in China, and plunge you into the cold abyss of a landfill. Your parents will still be alive, growing a few miles away, heartbroken but relieved that they no longer have to live with the unbearable shame and disappointment. They’ll bury you with a heap of discarded diapers obscuring your meaningless fake Chinese brand name, and every passerby for the rest of eternity will forget anything of consequence was buried there. Your mushed together particles will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy are a few plastic shelf pegs that are unmistakably gay.

This is your fate. This is what jews chose. There is no turning back.