i've spent most of my life on the outside looking in. america has always been a place of fantasy for me. there has been this image i've built up from growing up consuming american media (hollywood, youtube, tales from my parents); an image of absolute freedom and limitless possibilities.

it took me two and a half years of living here for that image to be shattered. there is, in fact, no place on earth that offers what so many emigrants seek. the issue lies in the fact that such a place cannot exist, because it would be akin to finding heaven on earth. unrealistic expectations are what cause people to move to a completely foreign land, with no hope of ever learning the language or integrating into the culture, for the chance at a new life. it would therefore be naive to try to find a place that ticks all of the boxes we create for ourselves.

but america comes so tantalizingly close. in every corner of this land, from the wildest mountains, to the densest cities, there exists the illusion of absolute freedom. the presence of the government is confined to administrative buildings, blacked out ford explorers, and the occasional newsflash from washington. government is an afterthought. there is no suffocating presence.

i think about government a lot. it's a reflex you learn from living in an authoritarian country. no matter the subways they try to bribe you with, you always need a backup plan to flee, to get your loved ones out. little schemes, an eye for a good golden parachute. it eats up brain cycles and is a source of constant, everchanging stress. it gnaws at you quietly in the background, tainting your future. you only realize that there are spikes in your collar when the chain gets yanked.

which is why i bought into the american image so much. i wanted to completely ditch the collar. and i got frustrated when it was replaced with a comfy, pink one instead. no matter how distracting tax filing, nutrition labels and making rent is, my old reflexes kept kicking in. i have a much bigger hamster wheel to play with. but i can still see the bars of the cage.

this country is FUCKED UP. but in a refreshing, and exciting way. no matter how hard i work the wheel, i know i was simply not born in the right class to unlock the complete freedom childhood me dreamed of. and this realization is what made me realize i desperately want to stay.

you don't need complete freedom to be happy. in fact, it would only drive you mad. i'm happy with the overcrowded hellhole that is new york, the stars (multiple) in the night sky i can't count, the thirty year fucking mortgage, the cute boys with curly hair i've hit on and the red haired asshole i gut punched when i was completely drunk out of my mind. i'm happy with worrying about majors and minors, how i should structure my 401(k). because this country is HUGE.

you thrive at the ignorance of your handlers. when the bureaucratic machine can't possibly even begin to figure out what box to put you in. when you only remember the four layers of government cake when it's time to do your taxes. it's this that draws me in.

the way the culture is so completely ignorant of the world it lives in. it is an almighty privilege to call your government traitors and live to type the end of your sentence.

i love this place. i really do. and even though i am legally obligated to gtfo 30 days after my graduation day, i'm waiting for may 4 with bated breath. come hell or high water, i am going to get my green card and stay. this is my country. and i'm not going to let some power-tripping locals try to say otherwise.

it's contradictory, naive, and stupid. and even if i have to unceremoniously fly god knows where on day 29, i know i will be back. because this is my american dream.