mask of moment for just a bit

first i'd start by saying that i do apreciate my parents even if they are a bit too rigid and i want to believe they mean no harm and that hopefully i don't have stockholm syndrome.

man i can't really enjoy a lot of vidya or anything that my parents wouldn't see as "productive" or "important"

even when im playing vidya or watching something and i laugh or celebrate im inmediately shutdown by my mom because "im being too loud" which after sometime has pushed me into being a lot colder and has taken joy out of a lot of the stuff i do since i always have that bug in my ear remembering me to not be loud or to not laugh hard, i wouldn't have much trouble with it if my parents just wanted to be in silence, the issue is whenever they have guests or there's a party i never tell them to be quiet, even if they are blasting karaoke at 4 am and i want to sleep i abstain maybe that's just my fault but it does feel unfair at times.

and i've never really shared a lot of my hobbies with them because everytime i've shown them what i bought the first thing they ask me is
>how much did that cost?
followed by
>dont you think you're spending too much money? why don't you buy a car instead?
for some context we're talking about me buying at most one videogame like every 5 months with me saving the rest for an emergency or something, idk i just don't feel i could have a closer relationship with them

funny story the first console i bought by myself was a 3ds and i had to go with a friend and buy it without telling my parents that i was gonna buy it
then i hid the thing for multiple weeks until they found it and i had to explain how i got it :kek_pain:

it's not just hobbies i feel like i've dedicated a great part of my energy and time just to please them, i went to college because of them, i didn't get a half-time job because they didn't want me to "lose focus", i never went to sign with my brothers because they didn't want me to be a musician and i've had to justify the very few friends i make to them MANY times.

hell even when i go out my mom is always there to make sure that i WEAR what she wants me to wear.


i want to believe they mean no harm but jesus life can be really asphyxiating at times

hell the reason why i haven't yet grabbed any shitty job i could grab is because i don't want to have to explain to them about why i chose such a job.

these expectations are killing me