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growing up in a small, kinda rural town in germany i always was different than the other kids, yet i didnt know why. there was some sort of disconnect. i never felt comfortable with who i was. it really hit when puberty struck and boys and girls would start dating, some talking about platonically rooming with their same sex friends in college to as well. I wanted to do non of it. the thought made me so uncomfortable. i got sad even, hearing them talk about typical life plans peers at that age would have, imagining myself doing any of them made me wanna cry. but i didnt know why. i just swallowed it down, thought it was a me problem. the only time i felt normal was when I was at home chatting with my online friends from all around the world.
the older i got the more unhappy i became. I loved romance stories and really wanted to find a suitor. and yet I shut myself off, never even thinking of making a Tinder account or going out to party and meet people together with my real life friends, whom i immediately ghosted after high school too.

at some point i realized i was a lesbian, i thought it was just that. and it helped, but yet i didnt want to go out or meet girls, i just felt too uncomfortable with who i was.

but as of recently it has changed. i mourn the many years it took me to figure it out but now i did. finally i can begin healing and the process of becoming who i am and living the life i want.
it’s like a wave of realization has washed over me.
it all makes sense now. why i never wanted to go out. why i was uncomfortable hitting on people irl. why i never wanted to room with my friends from school, why i felt sad trying to be like them, why i never felt like i fit in. why i felt the most comfortable and understood when i was talking with my trans friend i met online, even though for years i didnt even know what they looked like, since they lived across the pond. so many other stories and anecdotes from all throughout my life all make sense now.

it is because i am a proud american and racist. i hate the german language. i hate germany. ❤️🏳️🌈

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