Conversation

And when I feel like I can feel once again Let me stay awhile, soak it in awhile If we can hold on We can fix what is wrong Buy a little time For this head of mine Sometimes, all we need is a little time to breathe. Space, to spread our wings, or a cushion to reassure us that if we fall, it won't be the end. Being able to provide that opportunity for someone is one of the greatest gifts that a person can give to another. You feel like a proud parent, watching someone who isn't your child get a chance to become themselves. Wife and I were chatting on the way home from the grocery, as we do, and talking about The Old Times. I won't go into her history, but she had a rough childhood, going from having no structure at all to suddenly having to provide structure for others, and never really having an opportunity to grow into her own during those years when it is so critical to do so. By the time her and I met, she was locked in to the mode of having to be a provider, being an adult without ever having had the opportunity to be young. One of the things that first drew me to her was her loving, family-focused nature. I've yet to meet anyone who can love another being the way that she can. Whether its a pet, or a brother, or a farm animal, or a dog, or a husband, I feel privileged to have spent a part of my life in the presence of someone like that. Despite that, she had no idea how to be herself. There was only The Other, the pet or the child or the brother or the other person. There was no time for emotion, or expression, or the self, only The Other. At first it was great, having someone so dedicated and devoted, but I couldn't see that there was a reason for all of this. On June 1st, 2007, she tried to kill herself because she had no other way of expressing a lifetime of the inability to form a self. When the dust settled, and she was able to come home from the hospital, something in me clicked, and I started to understand. Our relationship moved from spouses into partnership in the strongest sense of the word. I told her she never had to work again. I told her that she needn't be a servitor, or a subservient. I told her to relax, and to let someone else carry the weight for a while. And so I did, all through the modern Great Depression, through family tragedies, through being 1200 miles away from her family, I hoisted all of that off of her shoulders on to mine, and onward we moved. The lights stayed on, the rent was paid, the fridge was stocked. None of this was special to me, but to her, it was a down filled pillow cushion. Slowly, over the course of a couple of years, and some therapy, she was able to evolve out of the patterns into which she had become entrapped, and overcome the damage that was inflicted on her in the past. She got jobs, menial at first but then serious. She made friends, some as close as family. She developed likes and dislikes and hopes and dreams and the ability to express fears and doubts. She became a whole person. The picture of the woman that I devote my life to became complete. Today, she makes a great living in a job she's well suited for. We live comfortably, in a balanced relationship, with shared responsibility, and shared obligation, and shared times together. Life didn't go exactly as we planned, but we've started to check off a lot of the items from our "gee it would great if" list in our lives, and its simply beautiful. There's no great morale to this story. All of us are broken, crippled, and in need of help, but also simultaneously able to provide help for others. Maybe it is a spouse, or a friend, or a brother, or a cousin, or even a stranger, but all of us have the ability to turn around someone else's life, to be the agent of change that is able to turn a tragedy into a triumph. Being able to provide for someone else the very thing that they need most? There's no greater honor. And sometimes, all that person needs is time.

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