hi!
yesterday I did some things I shouldn’t have, some things I should have done differently, and other things I stand behind 100%. i want to explain fully what happened because i at least want people to hate me for true things (there are plenty, pick something real!) (btw i’m finding it hard not to be sarcastic but I promise i’m trying)
thursday started out with one of my first and (to me) closest trans friends calling me a racist harrasser and blocking me. this was someone i looked forward to hopefully talking to every day. i don’t have many friends and i struggle with abandonment, so the rest of the day was me crying and struggling not to hurt myself. I wanted to kill myself (usually I just want to be dead), and had some wide mood swings. Mostly I was worried about how bad I would be in the evening and debated going to the hospital to avoid hanging myself. I still have unresolved issues with the previous time I was committed though and wanted to avoid it, but know i’m capable of harming myself and trying to kill myself.
40% of transgender people have attempted to kill themselves in the past; I am part of that statistic
Unrelated to this I start deciding on a new instance name to selfhost. Initially I was planning to move because hachyderm.io is blocked by solarpunk.moe, and I had (have?) a friend who moved to that server and I wanted to stay in touch with her.
Later that day in part as the result of a harassment post by @ShadowJonathan (a mod who directed his ~3k followers to attack a user), and inaccurate reports likely instigated by the admin of mastodon.art, my fedi account on hachyderm.io was frozen by @hachyderm.
That action completely disconnects me from the rest of the trans community I have grown to know; I’m now entirely alone, abandoned by friends and disconnected from anyone like me. I desperately want to start cutting but can’t bring myself to do it.
I’ll go into details in my next post, but I will start by apologizing:
Jo: I apologize again that I misgendered you; this was an honest mistake and I believe I demonstrated both what led to it happening (technical problems) and did not repeat the misgendering. Again despite our disagreements I hope you accept this was an innocent mistake I would not intentionally do to harm you.
Jo: I was aggressive at you and I should have taken a breath and calmed myself down before replying to you. I let my frustrations out and directed them toward you, which was wrong. I still believe that you are culpable in a huge, ongoing harm to the transgender community - but I can convey that message in better or more constructive ways.
My personal request is that @hachyderm please clarify the reasons for my account being frozen, and reduce the set of what to delete or explain what is objectionable about the specific posts they want removed (screenshots attached - like, one is clarifying my support for enbies; why do you want me to delete that? Is it to make me look worse?). Personally, I would like to be able to edit my posts and remove Jo’s address, but I can’t due to the freeze. I would like the freeze lifted so I have ability to edit my old posts and bio and various other parts of my identity that are still hosted and maintained by hachyderm, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to request a reasonable explanation of what was done.
Next post has details including how I screwed up Jo’s pronouns
🏳️⚧️ Ginny Maive
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