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1 (Waitrose assistant on phone) 'Hiya, yeah.' 2 'I have a customer here who wants to complain about the Easter eggs.' 3 (Holds hand over mouthpiece) 'Sorry what was your name again?' 4 (Green Eostre) ' the Pagan Goddess of Fertility.' 5 'Sorry - Your name is Easter ...?' 'Eostre.' 6 'Your name is Easter and you want to complain about the Easter eggs. 7 'Sorry love, what's your name?' 'Becky.' 'Well, Vicky -' 8 'If it was you who'd mated with the Solar God of the Equinox to literally give birth to Spring itself -' (Spring) 'Muuum ...' '- hang on, Spring-' 9 'If you'd done that, Vicky, only to have your efforts totally forgotten by history, you'd have a complaint too. 10 'Aisle 4 is full of rabbits and eggs, but no hint of the true meaning of my festival.' 11 (Assistant) 'You mean... Jesus...?' 'I mean shagging, Vicky.' 12 'Is it too much to see just a little bit of pre-Christian sex in Aisle 4?' 'MUUUUM.'