Notices by Nina [NaK-System] (nina@lsbt.me)

@portugeek
Hey, I started 4y ago in late 2019.
The advantage of not really having much of a life, because you've just realized that you're doomed to spiral into a black hole, is that transition clearly becomes the only possible way to keep living.

You're scared of losing people? I lost my parents, arguably pre-transition, to conspiracy theories. I lost my wife, who is, unfortunately, purely heterosexual.

Still, transition was incredibly worth it.

I'm finally me. It's still a bit shocking to realize you've wasted about a quarter century worth of life, simply because society wasn't ready for a plural, AutDHD, non-binary trans woman.

@portugeek
I'm happy that I don't have to tell you that dysphoria only gets worse over time.

Oh, my life was comfortable all right, good job that I liked, working in IT, a wife to come home to, four cats (we never wanted kids, we both went through too much shit to want to force this world on a child).

It it wasn't for that constant nagging feeling that something is fundamentally wrong, that I had suppressed for years, it would have been nice. But dysphoria came in waves, and over the years (we've been together for 15 years) it just got worse each time. New hoobbies managed to temporarily keep it at bay, but it came back worse each time.

Finally I realized that I could likely keep going for a few more years at most, before the depression would be as bad as it was in my late teens and early twentys, when I was acutely suicidal.

It's when I realized that I've got nothing, and everything to loose, and that I could at least try to transition. I didn't have much hope back then, but I was desperate, so jumping into the unknown, hoping it would finally help, was what I did.

I never imagined the world had so many colors, so many scents. I never imagined that I would be free from depression for the first time in a quarter century. I never imagined how alive I would feel. I never imagined that I could be this confident. I never imagined that I could finally confront my past, and finally process a truely shocking amount of trauma. I never imagined that as a woman I could actually be strong, instead of faking strength playing a man. I never imagined that just at my age I could grow a truely marvelous pair of boobs, and just how right they'd feel. I never imagined I could becume as confident as I've become, calling out doctors talking bullshit within their field, or ordering my genome sequenced, so I can analyze the data, to prove to stubborn doctors that I know what I'm talking about, and know enough to do their job, if they refuse to do it. I never imagined just how huge a difference it can make when your body finally runs on the right hormones.

I had hoped to managed what I had managed before, pushing the dysphoria away for a while, instead things stopped feeling wrong, but started feeling right.

Looking back at the trauma in my past, always doing what was expected, never knowing what I wanted, because the only thing I really wanted was to not have to be somebody that never felt like me, but finally find out who I am, instead of listening to people telling me who I'm supposed to be.

But now here I am, feeling about 15-20y younger than my body is, because I've not really lived since my pre-teens. Even though the gatekeeping pushed me into burnout, these four years have been happier than I've ever been in several decades. I can finally be me, and I'm not letting anyone put me into any box that I don't find comfortable in ever again. Even then, they'll have to accept that bits of me may not fit neatly into the box they chose to put me in, and that's their problem, either they accept it, or I'll just throw their box into their face.

@mikuphile @faithisleaping
You think that impresses me?
I am, and always have been a woman, and there is nothing you can do or say that will change that.
We are just a part of the natural and beautiful human diversity, if you can't stomach people being happy, finally awakening from a nightmare of a life, to embrace who they are, and feel the joy of being seen, I kindly ask you to fuck off.
Yes I'm gay, but that's because I'm a woman, loving two other women.

Also, I am part of the 41%, have been for over 20 years. If this confuses you, try understanding what you're saying, and not just repeating stuff you don't understand.

The 41% is the percentage of trans people who have attempted suicide before they started to transition. I was acutely suicidal for a couple of years in my late teens to early 20s, and nearly killed myself when I was 21. So yes, I am part of the 41% who tried to kill themselves before finally transitioning.

There is nothing you can say, to make me hate myself, because I am very familiar with self hate, but transition helped a lot. I've lived through decades of repeated trauma, and there is nothing you can do to me, that others haven't done before. I've lived through so much shit, you can litterally not even imagine a fraction of what I survived.

Transition has made me much stronger that you'll ever be. Hating people who have done nothing to you, and who just want to live their life? Do you realize how pathetic you are?

I wish you to receive all the misery you're trying to deal out, but I also wish that you'll one day come to the realization of how bigoted and small minded you have been.

Find a hobby that doesn't involve trying to put other people down. But you've tried bashing the wrong trans person, because I'm proud of what I survived to finally be me. I am finally happy, after decades of misery, and a pathetic little hater like you doesn't even have a sliver of a chance to take that away from me.

So kindly go fuck yourself, and stop attacking my brothers, sisters and enby siblings.

@faithisleaping
I have gotten so used to being gendered correctly that I barely notice sometimes. But other times someone paying for their petrol, telling the cashier: "My car is the one behind that ladies car.", and I get a stupidly wide grin as I'm walking to my car.

It feels so good, for ppl just casually referring to me as a woman.