Notices by Dan Fixes Coin-Ops (ifixcoinops@retro.social)

Me: 🦝 Thank goodness the car situation is sorted out*
Spouse, holding a bundle of new records: 🐱 Yeah, now you can go get some plywood and build me another record rack!

* need to fix mirrors, back wiper, tow hitch, engine mount and seats

Apologies for the uncaptioned images but I literally don't know what I'm looking at

Alright guys and gals and nonbinary pals, it's time to play "What's that stuck in Dan's defrost vent"

I would tell absolute whoppers. I would concoct such tissues of fancy. See that car? It can fly. See this one? It doesn't leak. This one over here? Owned and driven personally by Elvis. And when the punters were laughing at my obvious outrageous fibs, I'd be all "Haha but seriously folks, I get all the lyin' outta the way early on so we can get you the best deal and we'll both walk outta here happy, now THIS one for example," and then I'd carry right on lying outrageously and they'd believe me because I said I was going to lie and then I lied which means I'm honest and they can trust me

🦊 *slaps rusted-out roof of obviously rusted-out shitbox* See that? Solid gold. Previously driven by the queen of Spain.

Literally as I'm typing this someone I messaged earlier pops up in my messages and says to discuss the car call me at this number, and on the one hand yeah that's reasonable, whenever I sell anything I always say phone calls only no texts or emails (cuts out 100% of timewasters guaranteed) but on the other MAYBE SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT A WRITTEN RECORD OF ALL THE LIES SHE'S ABOUT TO TELL ME

Turns out his mate was listing the car for him, it does look solid, I'm gonna go drive two hours tomorrow to see it

No I'm not, he sold it already 🙃

So, like, rich folks, they buy a car when they don't HAVE to buy a car, they don't go car shopping in a hurry. They make it a holiday or smth. A nice day out to buy daddy a new car.

Meanwhile the rest of us, when we buy a car it's because we need it Right The Hell Now

The car market around me is comprised of, roughly, Dick

And I'm reminded of the last time I bought a car in a hurry and the absolute toss I scrolled through on Craigslist

Sale: 2008 [whatever it was], $2000 OBO. Bluetooth, satnav, inspection good for 10 months, heated seats. Recent new tie rods, struts, radiator, exhaust. New tyres in January. Oil change last week. Wrecked it into a tree.

and there was a picture of the back end of this gorgeous pristine looking thing and then another picture of the front end looking like one of those inbred luxury dogs that can't breathe

I saw another one that just said CAR, $900, CALL SANDI

Sandi didn't even put her number on the ad. WHAT DID YOU HAVE, SANDI

I could do an '08 Honda Pilot for four grand. I could make that work. Let's give him a ring.

'06 Toyota Sienna with 127k for $7k'ish, which is on the high side but it's proper tidy. Looks like it sat for five years and got mice but they're gone now, fedi should I buy it

A mate lent me a 2013 Hyundai Sonata hybrid, I've not even had it 24 hours and I'm stuck in an Aldi car park

Went to start it, brake pedal started moving by itself, doors started locking and unlocking, alarm bells started ringing, KEY NOT FOUND INSERT KEY and then it just. died lol

Potentially relevant: many of the things I own have had mice

Well here I am waiting for a guy to turn up and show me a car he wants to sell me at what turned out to be *checks notes* Faller's Furniture and Mattress in Clarion PA

Bloke didn't tell me any lies but he was also quite cagey?

He's had the car six months. He's selling it because he bought a minivan. He doesn't know where it lived. He doesn't know if the timing belt was ever replaced. He doesn't know how many owners. He doesn't remember much about the guy who sold it to him. If I'd levered any harder he would've started going "Car? What car?"

Khalid was kind of a No Chit Chat sort of guy but his car's quite desirable

Oh no, wait. That might be someone else's odometer. At least according to some dodgy free VIN lookup website that I suspect doesn't actually do anything.

Anyone got any spare Carfax credits?